Comments on: Do Adults Settle And Start Families Because They Give Up On Their Dreams? http://adventuresinadulthood.com/adults-settle-start-families-give-dreams/ Making adulthood more adventurous and less mundane Wed, 31 Aug 2011 16:10:33 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: admin http://adventuresinadulthood.com/adults-settle-start-families-give-dreams/#comment-34 admin Thu, 12 May 2011 15:44:31 +0000 http://adventuresinadulthood.com/?p=34#comment-34 I like your statement, " I think the difference is that some dreams just do not include children while others do." I really resonated with that. I like your statement, ” I think the difference is that some dreams just do not include children while others do.” I really resonated with that.

]]> By: Jodene http://adventuresinadulthood.com/adults-settle-start-families-give-dreams/#comment-32 Jodene Thu, 12 May 2011 14:06:05 +0000 http://adventuresinadulthood.com/?p=34#comment-32 Great and influential people of our times have raised children: Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Jr., my favorite-Jane Goodall, Mark Twain, Steven J. Gould, President and Michelle Obama, the list of major contributors to our society who chose parenthood seems endless. As I don't feel any of these people are mediocre then I doubt very much they were 'settling'. It is possible to have a dream that includes a fabulous career, many adventures and children. When I was an archaeologist I took my son along with me on the projects! And he benefited from my work at OMSI participating in a variety of summer camps. And when I worked for The Nature Conservancy I included my daughter on the trail work. It is quite possible to live one's dreams and raise children. I believe that without children I would not have learned the depths of love and compassion that I have today-they can be great teachers. And what I learned about my aspirations-they were largely ego driven and in the end not nearly as satisfying as loving children. My heart is full. With my daughter nearly grown I'm entering my second career as a historian and while the work is fascinating and I have hopes that I will make positive difference in the field through education, when my grandchildren come (my daughter avows to adopt special needs children) I will be in absolute bliss! I just love children! I think the difference is that some dreams just do not include children while others do. I cannot imagine my life without children-I love being a mother and feel blessed that I don't have to choose to do one thing but rather, can enjoy wearing many hats! Great and influential people of our times have raised children: Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Jr., my favorite-Jane Goodall, Mark Twain, Steven J. Gould, President and Michelle Obama, the list of major contributors to our society who chose parenthood seems endless. As I don’t feel any of these people are mediocre then I doubt very much they were ‘settling’. It is possible to have a dream that includes a fabulous career, many adventures and children. When I was an archaeologist I took my son along with me on the projects! And he benefited from my work at OMSI participating in a variety of summer camps. And when I worked for The Nature Conservancy I included my daughter on the trail work.

It is quite possible to live one’s dreams and raise children. I believe that without children I would not have learned the depths of love and compassion that I have today-they can be great teachers. And what I learned about my aspirations-they were largely ego driven and in the end not nearly as satisfying as loving children. My heart is full.

With my daughter nearly grown I’m entering my second career as a historian and while the work is fascinating and I have hopes that I will make positive difference in the field through education, when my grandchildren come (my daughter avows to adopt special needs children) I will be in absolute bliss! I just love children! I think the difference is that some dreams just do not include children while others do. I cannot imagine my life without children-I love being a mother and feel blessed that I don’t have to choose to do one thing but rather, can enjoy wearing many hats!

]]> By: admin http://adventuresinadulthood.com/adults-settle-start-families-give-dreams/#comment-19 admin Mon, 09 May 2011 15:46:50 +0000 http://adventuresinadulthood.com/?p=34#comment-19 Absolutely beautiful! Thanks, Margaret! Absolutely beautiful! Thanks, Margaret!

]]> By: Margaret Barton http://adventuresinadulthood.com/adults-settle-start-families-give-dreams/#comment-16 Margaret Barton Fri, 06 May 2011 05:32:57 +0000 http://adventuresinadulthood.com/?p=34#comment-16 What part of myself did I give up??? I'm torn...part of me wants to say that a lot was given up; and another part wants to say that instead of a "giving up" there was a "change," a certain "receiving." There's the usual trite things we say: we give up a good night's sleep, we no longer have the "freedom" to do what we want, when we want to, etc. Yet none of these types of statements quite covers what we give up. In searching for expression it might be more accurate if I said that I stepped aside and that another energy came through and was expressed. Steve and I were the catalyst, the creators and the price we paid for our creation was the death of a certain part of ourselves; however, what we received in exchange was nothing short of a miracle. What part of myself did I give up??? I’m torn…part of me wants to say that a lot was given up; and another part wants to say that instead of a “giving up” there was a “change,” a certain “receiving.” There’s the usual trite things we say: we give up a good night’s sleep, we no longer have the “freedom” to do what we want, when we want to, etc. Yet none of these types of statements quite covers what we give up. In searching for expression it might be more accurate if I said that I stepped aside and that another energy came through and was expressed. Steve and I were the catalyst, the creators and the price we paid for our creation was the death of a certain part of ourselves; however, what we received in exchange was nothing short of a miracle.

]]> By: admin http://adventuresinadulthood.com/adults-settle-start-families-give-dreams/#comment-7 admin Mon, 25 Apr 2011 16:40:34 +0000 http://adventuresinadulthood.com/?p=34#comment-7 Excellent comment, Noel. Sounds like it really came from the heart. Hopefully, this perspective still influences your behaviors when you've had little sleep for a week, your house smells like dirty diapers, and the grocery store is your home away from home ;-) Excellent comment, Noel. Sounds like it really came from the heart. Hopefully, this perspective still influences your behaviors when you’ve had little sleep for a week, your house smells like dirty diapers, and the grocery store is your home away from home ;-)

]]> By: Noel Peterson http://adventuresinadulthood.com/adults-settle-start-families-give-dreams/#comment-5 Noel Peterson Mon, 25 Apr 2011 15:13:38 +0000 http://adventuresinadulthood.com/?p=34#comment-5 Thanks for the post, Reid. I used to have fairly similar views. Even though I married we still lived quite independent lives, as if we still wanted to lead 'single' lives but share in our love together. Despite any best intention, I realized that was a joke. Both she and I were living a lie with one another. We weren't giving of ourselves fully in the relationship and to each other. This all changed with a calling to know and understand God better in my life. There's no rational explanation for this transformation, but an inner calling to know peace and love in the deepest sense I can. This peace and love, I've since learned, is meant to be shared with others. I respond, first, about my relationship with my wife, because it's primary to the natural extension of our love. I don't believe there are accidents anymore (a.k.a unplanned pregnancies). I don't believe children are a burden on our pocketbook, or a strain on our personal lives and dreams. I believe children are a natural extension of the blissful experience of sexual union. Through mine and my wife's dedication to living a life in accordance with living in the image and likeness of God, we experience God more fully when we totally, faithfully, and fruitfully give ourselves to one another. In so doing, God blesses us or anyone else who does the same thing, with a child. In this way, a child is not something extra in our lives that needs to be managed, but a beautiful and inherent result of the greatest act in the world. My statements are not exempt from the responsibilities therein for parenting. I'm not foolish to think it doesn't involve sleepless nights and self-giving sacrifice. But it's a sacrifice that's warranted because it's wanted by God. I'm also aware that not all children are the result of a loving sexual union. Yet, I proclaim this is the goal that God wanted for us. Not to be burdened by children, but to be enriched by them. To be sure, these are new thoughts for me and I never felt this way before. The interesting thing with my feelings and attitudes is that I feel more free because of them than I did in any other moment of life when I feared having children due to the burden they would place on my life. Fear begets more fear. Yet, with my openness to children, I now feel more free. It's a total paradox, yet a beautiful mystery of the world. Thanks for the post, Reid. I used to have fairly similar views. Even though I married we still lived quite independent lives, as if we still wanted to lead ‘single’ lives but share in our love together. Despite any best intention, I realized that was a joke. Both she and I were living a lie with one another. We weren’t giving of ourselves fully in the relationship and to each other. This all changed with a calling to know and understand God better in my life. There’s no rational explanation for this transformation, but an inner calling to know peace and love in the deepest sense I can. This peace and love, I’ve since learned, is meant to be shared with others. I respond, first, about my relationship with my wife, because it’s primary to the natural extension of our love. I don’t believe there are accidents anymore (a.k.a unplanned pregnancies). I don’t believe children are a burden on our pocketbook, or a strain on our personal lives and dreams. I believe children are a natural extension of the blissful experience of sexual union. Through mine and my wife’s dedication to living a life in accordance with living in the image and likeness of God, we experience God more fully when we totally, faithfully, and fruitfully give ourselves to one another. In so doing, God blesses us or anyone else who does the same thing, with a child. In this way, a child is not something extra in our lives that needs to be managed, but a beautiful and inherent result of the greatest act in the world. My statements are not exempt from the responsibilities therein for parenting. I’m not foolish to think it doesn’t involve sleepless nights and self-giving sacrifice. But it’s a sacrifice that’s warranted because it’s wanted by God. I’m also aware that not all children are the result of a loving sexual union. Yet, I proclaim this is the goal that God wanted for us. Not to be burdened by children, but to be enriched by them. To be sure, these are new thoughts for me and I never felt this way before. The interesting thing with my feelings and attitudes is that I feel more free because of them than I did in any other moment of life when I feared having children due to the burden they would place on my life. Fear begets more fear. Yet, with my openness to children, I now feel more free. It’s a total paradox, yet a beautiful mystery of the world.

]]> By: admin http://adventuresinadulthood.com/adults-settle-start-families-give-dreams/#comment-3 admin Fri, 22 Apr 2011 22:24:43 +0000 http://adventuresinadulthood.com/?p=34#comment-3 Very thoughtful comment, Margaret. Thank you for sharing it (and being the first to comment on the site!) I wonder if during your mirror moment, your dreams simply "changed." Kind of funny how friends serve certain purposes in our lives (not to say that mirror moment is the only purpose those particular friends serve.) I also find it funny how people refer to succeeding in parenthood as being "self-less." What part of yourself did you give up in becoming a parent? Very thoughtful comment, Margaret. Thank you for sharing it (and being the first to comment on the site!) I wonder if during your mirror moment, your dreams simply “changed.” Kind of funny how friends serve certain purposes in our lives (not to say that mirror moment is the only purpose those particular friends serve.)

I also find it funny how people refer to succeeding in parenthood as being “self-less.” What part of yourself did you give up in becoming a parent?

]]> By: Margaret Barton http://adventuresinadulthood.com/adults-settle-start-families-give-dreams/#comment-2 Margaret Barton Fri, 22 Apr 2011 15:37:42 +0000 http://adventuresinadulthood.com/?p=34#comment-2 Hi Reid...great site and great question. Coming from a large family, I never wanted children and my husband was OK either way; we both had good jobs, two houses, money and comfort, we were on the fast track to success. When I was 32 we went on vacation (in September) and visited family and friends in England; one couple in particular were friends of my husband from university days, they didn't have children either. What they did have was money, a beautiful house and a great lifestyle, we went out to dinner and had a nice evening catching up. At some point in the evening while talking with them I had a strange moment, one of those consciousness altering moments when everything you believe comes crashing down on you and all your beliefs are held to question. I looked at the other couple and saw what I can only define as a mirror moment, and what I saw was my husband and myself and it wasn't pretty. In one evening I saw our lives as meaningless; I saw no value in the life we were leading and all our accomplishments were as nothing. The thought entered "I want a child" and I was shocked by the strength of its delivery. Steve and I had a few months of discussion and by February of the following year I was pregnant with our first son, Richard (we subsequently had a second child, Colin). It could be said that my "biological clock" kicked in, or that our friends were a wake up call of some type whom we had some prior karmic agreement with....who knows and quite honestly who cares! Thoughts are powerful things and that thought of mine changed my life. My sons are now 25 and 22 and, at 59, I'm at last almost back to the stage of being able to think "what would I like to do now?" without having to consider my children. In having children I feel I gave up a part of myself and I never realized what I was giving up until it was too late. That "giving up" opened me to a whole range of new experiences. Thank you for your question, it comes at a very apt time when I can investigate yet another part of me and continue with life's adventure. Hi Reid…great site and great question. Coming from a large family, I never wanted children and my husband was OK either way; we both had good jobs, two houses, money and comfort, we were on the fast track to success. When I was 32 we went on vacation (in September) and visited family and friends in England; one couple in particular were friends of my husband from university days, they didn’t have children either. What they did have was money, a beautiful house and a great lifestyle, we went out to dinner and had a nice evening catching up. At some point in the evening while talking with them I had a strange moment, one of those consciousness altering moments when everything you believe comes crashing down on you and all your beliefs are held to question. I looked at the other couple and saw what I can only define as a mirror moment, and what I saw was my husband and myself and it wasn’t pretty. In one evening I saw our lives as meaningless; I saw no value in the life we were leading and all our accomplishments were as nothing. The thought entered “I want a child” and I was shocked by the strength of its delivery. Steve and I had a few months of discussion and by February of the following year I was pregnant with our first son, Richard (we subsequently had a second child, Colin).

It could be said that my “biological clock” kicked in, or that our friends were a wake up call of some type whom we had some prior karmic agreement with….who knows and quite honestly who cares! Thoughts are powerful things and that thought of mine changed my life. My sons are now 25 and 22 and, at 59, I’m at last almost back to the stage of being able to think “what would I like to do now?” without having to consider my children. In having children I feel I gave up a part of myself and I never realized what I was giving up until it was too late. That “giving up” opened me to a whole range of new experiences. Thank you for your question, it comes at a very apt time when I can investigate yet another part of me and continue with life’s adventure.

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